Tears Happen

I really didn't think it could happen to me.  I've read that it happens to other moms.  I've heard rumors that it happens frequently when you homeschool. I really didn't think that I would actually break down and cry--especially in a public place.  But I did.

I think some days and weeks just make you cry.  It's easy to get overwhelmed.  You try to follow curriculum and realize that your child is on a different week's lesson (or year) for each subject.  It gets confusing. Then you realize that the assigned reading book is really boring.  Then you skip reading for a couple of days.  And then you start brainstorming who else is going to spend hours of their day listening to your kindergartner grader read these boring "classic" books. Seriously, I was thinking about taking my son to the retirement home by our house so that the older people could listen to him read! 

Then on Sunday during the sermon it occurred to me that I must be a horrible mom, a terrible teacher, and a lazy person.  The last few weeks I've felt that I live in a combat zone.  I might as well be throwing a mortar shell when I ask my son to complete his phonics pages.  The day that I had the audacity to request that my pupil take an afternoon nap, he literally started launching projectiles down the stairs.  I'm not kidding when I say that school has been nothing short of war.  So when the pastor starting preaching on Sunday about how a godly woman is a peaceful woman, I started to cry.  Is it possible to homeschool in peace?

After my sobbing episode on Sunday, someone offered to substitute for me on Monday.  This gave me time to reflect on my predicament and my lesson plans.  A wise person pointed out that my lesson plans have been pretty demanding for a kindergartner.  Since I'm not regularly around other kindergartners, it's easy to lose sight of how easy and breezy kindergarten can be!  Most kindergartners are not studying the Assyrian empire, fractions, and binomial nomenclature.  Yet, the fact that my son understands these concepts and can quote all of his weekly memory verses is a pretty good sign that I'm not failing as a teacher.  I just need to learn how to relax and enjoy the process and maybe not be quite so ambitious.

I obviously haven't gotten this whole homeschooling thing entirely figured out.  Truth is, with three kids who have three very different personalities, I may never figure out the magic formula for perfectly balancing my mommy and teacher roles.  In fact, there may be more tears in the future.   And it's okay. I just keep telling myself that sometimes God allows us to cry for tears to clear our eyes so that we can see the good things ahead (author unknown).