Talking to a Mommy-to-be

“If you can’t say something nice… don’t say nothin’ at all.”

~Thumper, from Disney’s Bambi

Sometimes I think pregnancy turns me into a "touchy" person. I wouldn't say that I'm more sensitive when I'm pregnant, because I don't cry or get more emotional while pregnant. Instead, I've noticed that pregnancy seems to make me more defensive. For awhile, I was worried that some hormonal happenings were changing me. But I think I've become convinced that OTHER PEOPLE can be insensitive and rude, thus causing my motherly hackles to rise.

This phenomenon, of course, has made me rethink how I treat other women when I'm not pregnant. I really hope that I haven't offended other mommies-to-be in the past, so I'm creating rules to follow in the future. Based on my experiences as a pregnant woman (x3), here are my rules for making mothers-to-be feel good.

1) If a mommy-to-be tells you about her pregnancy ailments, DO NOT proceed to tell her how wonderful and snappy your pregnancy was. She doesn't care and just assumes that you're bragging. She wants to hear how miserable you were--misery always loves company.

2) Remember that baby's gender is outside of the mommy's control. So don't ever act disappointed or sad when discussing her baby's gender or potential gender. Just because a mommy has 2 boys doesn't mean that she wouldn't be as thrilled with 3 boys as she would be with 2 boys and a girl. Mommies need to love all their children, so celebrate a baby of any gender!

3) If a mommy registers for something that you are sure she doesn't need, don't tell her. There's so much baby stuff out there and new moms don't have a clue. I would have loved to have had another new mom share her insight on baby items, but no one did. So for my first baby, I just registered for what sounded good. Mommies can always make returns.

4) Don't ever make a condescending remark about a mommy's choice of nursery decor or baby gear. If you don't like something, keep your mouth shut. And if you think some baby clothes are ridiculous, who cares--it's not your kid. Most mommies dream of preparing for a baby, so let them enjoy it.

5) Don't share 50 million stories of what other mommies or mommies-to-be are doing. Pregnancy and parenting are journeys that we should all get to experience for ourselves. If we want advice, we usually seek it. Unsolicited advice from others makes us think that you don't approve of what we're doing.

6) Remember that all decisions related to delivery, breastfeeding, circumsicion, etc. are between the mommy and daddy and their doctor. It's none of your business. Pressuring a mommy to make a decision one way or the other causes unnecessary stress. And judging a mommy for the decision that she does make doesn't accomplish anything (but it does create enemies).

7) Be encouraging. Remind mommies that it's going to be ok if they have to have an epidural, or a c-section or an unexpected unmedicated delivery. Remind mommies that very few deliveries go as planned and yet everything still usually works out. DO NOT share horror stores from L & D prior to a mom's delivery. Save that for when she can share her story with you too.

8) Be supportive of however a mommy decides to parent (unless she's doing something that could obviously harm her baby). If she wants to use cloth diapers, let her. If she doesn't want to make her own baby food, don't judge her. And if she has to go back to work in 6 weeks and needs someone else to watch her baby, don't say anything to induce mommy-guilt.

I have met many, many mommies who I think are slightly crazy for some of their pregnancy and parenting decisions. But I've learned that the "to each her own policy" is a great rule. Just because I have a completely different parenting style doesn't make me better. And just because another mommy gets all her advice from some nutty book doesn't mean she'll be bad. I think most mommies are wired with pretty good maternal instincts. Thus, 3rd party commentary that isn't positive and supportive doesn't accomplish much.

So when it comes to conversing with mommies, remember that amazing rule that we all learned years ago from Bambi, "if you can't say something nice...don't say nothin' at all."